CONTENT WARNING: Grooming, Sexual Exploitation

Social media as a concept is well intended. Global connectivity, research and information and identity. However, over recent years, social media has been used for people to escape their everyday 9-5 lives and ponder and gawk at richer people who pretend to be happier than them.

For me I fall into the fourth category. Identity.

I had spent a couple months in year seven before the pandemic began. I don't think I've ever had a sense of self other than people found me funny at times. I was short, overweight and I found myself always feeling like the ugly friend. During lockdown my mother was a key worker so some days I still went into school, but I was mostly brought up with the mentality that if you're bored shove a screen in your face and shut up.

It was easier that way.

I was around 11-12 and I remember all of my favourite Youtubers were talking about the same site. Omegle. So naturally as a curious child I decided to check it out. And at first it was fun. I met loads of other people like me. British. Young. And the connections wasn't just in England but I started speaking to a bunch of different people all over the globe.

It was fun.

Until it wasn't.

I'd speak to men sometimes 18 and older. And I'd say I was 16 or 18 to make myself seem older but it was obvious I wasn't. I found myself being the perfect prey for older men. I thought it was normal to be friends with 21 (and older) year olds while being in Y7. I thought it meant I was something special, that someone found me pretty. In reality I was being taken advantage of because of my innocence and nativity. No one was bothered what I was necessarily doing along as I was entertained. My computer didn't have safe search or filtered videos so I found myself being exposed to certain lifestyles and experiences without anyone to talk to. It felt as if I should be appreciative to these men that they noticed me, because I never felt noticed before.

Over time I started basing my identity to be the perfect girlfriend for these men. I didn't realise that they was the one with the problem not me. I mean I wasn't completely stupid. I'd listened when you had the odd police officer come into your class and tell you about meeting strangers or getting into people's cars who you don't know. I used a fake name or told them I lived in a different area then what I actually did. And maybe deep down I knew it was wrong they was talking to me but I liked the nice things they said about me. I often found myself being separate others.

Eventually they started to pivot the conversations to a more sexual nature.

I wasn't exactly sure what I should do. But it felt shameful, like I could and shouldn't tell anyone. I remember at first talking to these men felt something to brag about, like I was so much cooler then my friends but eventually they turned their nice personas, and it became more sinister. I found myself codependent on random men's opinions on me constantly seeking validation that fed their own perverted ideologies.

Eventually when I went back to school and slowly, with the help of my friends, found myself and my own interests. I blocked the men I used to speak to but I felt as if my mental health turned for the worse. I felt ugly, that no boy my age found me attractive. Everyone would post about their 6 months, 1 year or even 3 year relationships and I had no one. I started comparing myself to other girls I saw on social media planning what surgeries I should get to be deemed more attractive by society. Everyone on tiktok was pushing what skincare or waist trainer was in.

Sometimes even today I struggle to find the beauty in my appearance. I hated how my thighs had cellulite or my arms had stretch marks. I didn’t feel worthy of breathing the same air as others. I hate leaving the house without a full face of makeup. Sometimes I love my bear and then I see someone my age or younger (that's one especially hurts) who looks even better then I ever could.

It bring me back to 2020 lockdown where I fear the only validation and screwed up sense of being appreciated was at the hands of men who should have know better. It's makes me worry for my little cousins. Unrealistic beauty standards and the new normality of children acting like adults has infiltrated my generations mind.

And I am a victim to still. I sit and tell my friends not to compare that someone out of the 8 billion people on this earth will love and appreciate them. That we are still kids

However, I could never follow my own advice. I understand it's wrong, but I can't help but feed my addiction of envy. I hope that parents regulate their children's devices more. Even if it seems like the worst thing in the world at the time.

I wish I was more protected.